This isn't supposed to be a pic of me sad, just snuggling with my sleeping baby. :)
It had started out as what I thought was baby blues, a few days of sadness, then turning into despair topped off with a nice dose of anxiety. Large groups, mere acquaintances, or people I hadn't talked to in a while intimidated me to the point of avoidance, which in turn, has made it extremely hard to attend church. I found it hard to do normal tasks such as planning meals, cleaning, teaching primary, making simple decisions, even returning phone calls (so for those of you I haven't returned calls to this is my apology). I'm not trying to publish my medical woes to gain sympathy, I only explain this to let everyone know what my husband has had to put up with lately and maybe to explain some lingering thoughts if you thought I was acting weird, the truth is I probably am.
I can barely say in words how much love and gratitude I have for Thomas. He has showed me so much love and compassion in the past few months that I fear he is now sick of me. ;) He has come and literally held my hand through primary, teaching most of the lessons for me and doing other duties, while already having two church callings of his own. He has cooked countless meals without prompt, kept a happy face after coming home to a messy house, taken the kids after work to ease my stress and has kept a positive attitude about it all, while probably not fully understanding what the heck was wrong with his wife. He truly is my support beam. Being married, you always know that your spouse loves you, but it is humbling to me to watch and see how much he is willing to do for me, to actually see the true unconditional love in action has brought me to tears and has made my love for him stronger than imaginable. I hope that my actions show how much love I have for him.
Growing up I have always heard in passing that my mom had to go stay with her parents for a few weeks because she had a 'nervous breakdown'. (Who wouldn't with 8 children?) I have thought about it from time to time and wondered what had led up to it, why did she let it get so bad, and how did she over come it? I feel sad that I don't know much about it and that I can't ask her about it. But thinking of that makes me so thankful not only for Thomas, but for my own support group I have in my life. Thanks to my dear friends who have had countless talks with me and offered me encouragement, thanks to Erika for letting me live at her house during the days for the past few weeks :), and thanks to my sweet sisters and sister in law Tamzen, for calling me daily, and knowing me well enough to know something was wrong even when I wasn't willing to admit it to myself.
Going through things like this always makes you more humble, it always brings you to your knees and always strengthens your relationship with the Lord. How blessed I am to be able to have faith in Him. I have a strong testimony that our prayers are heard and answered and that our Heavenly Father knows us each individually, that he personally guides our lives and has a plan and purpose for us. I pray my children will be as fortunate as I am, to have such wonderful friends and family watching out for them, and I hope my girls will seek out a husband that has the same qualities as their dad so that they can be as happy as I am.
12 comments:
Very sweet post...thanks for helping me out too! Your kids will appreciate all of your writing and sharing someday.
It's good you posted this. People need to hear that they aren't the only ones out there going through it. I so appreciate you posting this!!! Thank you!
Hey girl,I know it's hard to air your laundry. I think I understand a little what you're feeling. I've been feeling lately like I can't keep up with anything I used to do in normal life, don't really care about too much, and don't really know myself sometimes right now. I do attribute alot of it to lack of sleep. But it is comforting to me to have great friends who understand. And great husbands help too :-). It's got to get better and better. Hope you know I appreciate you and am here to hang out or whatever you need!
I wish I was closer so I could help out somehow. I know others who have struggled with this and it is so difficult. Hang in there!
That's is good you put your feelings out there! Alot of women just bottle it up inside. I actually have gone through the same things and worse. so don't feel like you're alone even though sometimes you do anyway. Women and their crazy hormones!
I was so happy to read the title of your post. Climbing out is the hardest but remembering what it feels like to be YOU is the BEST. I love you!
I'm glad that you feel like you're starting to climb out. Life can feel so hard sometimes. Thanks for all the help you've given me over the years! You're the best.
What a touching post. I am sorry that I wasn't more receptive. That stuff can be so hard to work through and sometimes the despair is just overwhelming. Thank goodness you have a strong testimony and turn to the Lord in times like these. You are such a wonderful example.
Thanks for making me cry! I'm so sorry you've been having such a rough time. I can't imagine what it must be like but I'm so glad you have Thomas. You'll be in my prayers!
I am sorry you have had such a rough time. I am glad that you are starting to do better. This is something that my mom always struggled with everytime she had a new baby and sometimes it lasted over a year. I will definately keep you in my prayers.
Wow Jolene, I had thought maybe you were having some blues but I didn't know it was this bad. I was that way with Noah and I wish so badly that I had done something about it. It was a really awful year. Thomas's Christmas letter made me cry (it always does) because he's so sweet and says the nicest things about you. You guys are a great couple and I hope you start feeling much better soon. Love you.
Jolene, I am so very sorry for all that you have been going through! I hope you know how much people love and appreciate you! I have always thought you are an amazing lady, and after reading this post, I have even more respect for you. Even in really tough times, you turn to the Lord, you build your testimony and do all you can to get through your trial! You're awesome! I am thankful to have you as a friend, and I will certainly keep you in my prayers. I am here if you need anything!
Love,
Amy K
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