Past the time...

So I've got to admit that I've been slacking on my posts for quite awhile...

it's been a struggle even to post once a week. Honestly, I'm not quite sure why, but since this is my only way of journaling, I really want to make sure I keep it up. Not to mention I never print any photos, so my blog books are the only proof of living around our home.

But more than just that, its been over 14 years since my mom died, that's crazy. Its odd to think that soon she will be dead longer than the time I knew her on this earth. I find myself wanting to call her up on the phone sometimes and ask her questions. "How do you not strangle your children? How on earth did you keep up with the laundry? Why did you leave your parents in Germany when you were 16 and live with your grandparents? How do I become a more supportive wife? Is it okay to scream every now and then? We're you happy?"  I always feel like because my mom died when I was a teenager I never had the opportunity to really get to know her and even more now I realize I never really gave her the value she deserved. She didn't keep a very steady journal, years would go by before she would write down a single paragraph, leaving so many holes of what was going on.

Apart from just recording the family vacations and big events I would like my children to have a picture of the person I am, and better yet I would like to remember who I was, or how I reacted in certain situations (since I'm not planning on kicking the bucket anytime soon). I realize now that if I don't write things down I really do forget them, and I've had some pretty neat things going on. So I'm going to keep this blog cranking along as a one woman narrative to the seemingly boring, yet very rewarding life I live.

The Truth, at least according to me, as of March 30th, 2011.

Thomas: Still extremely good looking. Finishing off his last few weeks at Tepper. After this year I feel really guilty because I can tell how much I undervalued him as a provider for our home and as such a hard worker.  I can also say that I never really quite knew how smart he is until we came here. There are math problems on pieces of paper that are longer than my favorite recipe and he can sit and work them out and I can see how much he truly enjoys the challenge of it all.  I'm happy for him. He will be starting an internship May 15th in NYC with Algorithmics. This will mark the Summer of 2011 spent apart...it's going to suck being away from him, he truly is my best friend.

Jolene: The truth for me is hard to admit. Transition from family life, to student life with a family, has taken its toll on me. I'm a baby probably, and I really had a hard time with life in Pittsburgh. I can honestly say that through this time I have gained a deeper relationship with our Heavenly Father, I know he answers my prayers and knows me personally, I'm grateful for that blessing. I've gone through times of hating Pittsburgh, hating Carnegie Mellon, maybe "thinking" I've hated some one I love dearly :), and hating myself but I have come through the transition realizing how lucky I am to have such a great opportunity to learn and grow as a family.  What wonderful people we've met, and even better made friends with, what different ways we look at things now, what cool places we've had the opportunity to visit. My life has been enriched by this experience so far and I can honestly say that I have a fond place in my heart for Pittsburgh now, esepcially when the sun is shining.

Allison: My tween is in a hurry to grow up. I try to tell her to relax and enjoy the ride but what 11 year old would believe their mother? Everything I've read on this age has said how emotional they are and I can attest that its true. She will go from being on cloud 9 one moment to sobs and misery the next.  I feel bad for her, I try to be patient and listen but I admit that poor Alli is the recipent of a "Suck it up!" comment from me now and again. She is growing so tall, almost fits into my shoe size and begs me daily for things like wearing make-up, cell phones, later bed times etc. She is still so friendly and bright and really is amazing with Rainier.  It makes me so happy to see her interact with him, sometimes she'll just grab him and take him in her room and play with him just so she can have some good company. She will be an amazing mother someday. She loves singing and was just over the moon that she has been asked to be part of the All City Honors Chorus, which will be performing mid May. I'm so happy for her.

Claire: From the time she turned 2 I could say that she is my strongest willed child. She stands firmly planted in her wants, ways, thoughts, and deeds. Why do I feel like a horrible mother when I say she is the one who challenges me the most? As mothers we are not supposed to single out our children are we? Just yesterday I had to send Claire and Ainsley to their rooms because of the video below.  Ainsley went to her room for10 minutes almost immediately. Claire said No, I said Yes, she said I'm only going for 5, I said if you only stay up there for 5 you will be up there again for 20, Claire said this is dumb, I said Go to your room, and so on and so forth until she finally stomped up the stairs and slammed the door. Promptly 10 minutes later they both returned from their rooms unscathed. That is till Alli got home and asked who had been in her room. No one I said. Alli replied, "Yes some one has been in my room and wrecked it. My sheets and blankets are torn off, my stuffed animals are thrown around, and its a disaster." I was genuinely perplexed until Alli asked if Claire wrecked her room again. Again? Apparently Claire has been wrecking Alli's room on a regular basis and Alli didn't want to stress me out so she chose not to say anything. When I asked Claire why she did that she said because she was mad. "But you weren't mad at Alli you were mad at me so why would you wreck Alli's room?" Claire replied "Because you guys are always mean to me, and I'm always mad and I wanted her to feel what it feels like to be mad." I won't even go on and describe the whole fiasco to try to get her to clean up the mess she made. But honestly I may be in the looney bin sooner than later. I've been praying, I've tried being overly nice, I've tried being overly mean, and everything in the middle and I just can't seem to be able to have a cohesive relationship with her.  She runs hot to cold in a matter in seconds. Can you tell I'm sick about the whole situation?

The odd thing is, when she wants to be, she is the most helpful, fun, endearing child I know. She has a beautiful smile, a great laugh, and is super smart. Her blue eyes sparkle and she is addicted to only wearing super skinny jeans, preferably the ones with spandex in the fabric so they're super tight. She won't wear shorts, and prefers closed toe shoes. She loves her guitar and was so happy when Thomas gave her his old guitar last week, in the case it's almost as big as her, but she lugs that thing around proudly.

Ainsley: Is very silly, quirky and very creative. She has been asking a lot of questions pertaining to being Jewish. "Would I be sad if she became Jewish? Can her Jewish friends get baptized?  How come her Jewish friends don't believe in Jesus? What is Kosher? What is passover? What if she was Jewish and Mormon, would I be okay with that?" Can you tell the majority of her friends are jewish? We found out about 2 months ago that one of the girls in her class lives about 4 houses down from us, it's been so nice for her to have a friend close by that she can play with a lot. I'm ashamed to say that the friend likes to come over here most of the time though because she doesn't have tv at home and she likes to watch tv here.... oooooppps. Not to worry I do whip up some kosher snacks like BLT's and hot dogs and have them do other things than just watch tv.



Rainier: Oh he's a handful, but a cute one at that.... He is getting taller, heavier, and sadly is quickly loosing the baby toddler look and turning straight into a little boy. Just today we were walking out of the gym day care and a worker was saying good bye to him. Instead of saying good bye back he quickly stuck his finger up his nose and said "I'm going to eat it." to the employee and giggled and giggled. Farts and burps are equally humorous to him as well and he seems to have a non stop supply of running (especialy nudey in the house) and jumps to last him all day. He is very much a momma's boy though and can cuddle like no other. He will be lying next to me in the morning and will simply arch his back and grunt a bit to get me to scratch his back. He has me trained well I tell ya.

I feel like sometimes as mothers we sugar coat everything, say it's all fine, and move on. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. We let go of the bad, move on and forget. There is magic in that, but I also feel like my kids will be relieved to know that I may have had some of the same feelings and thoughts they do when they are going through some of the same challenges in life. I'm always so grateful for my children, for my many blessings and in the long run, the opportunity I have to grow.