Bare with me while I bare my emotions.

As most of you know, I am doing this blog primarily as a family journal, I'm not the best at pulling out my little notebook and scribbling down what's going on in our lives. That's why I love the aspect of blogging just being able to download pictures, and then instantly write about them while they're fresh on my mind really has been beneficial to me. I plan on having this made into a book after a year and I believe it is something we will all cherish.


My mom died when I was just about 16 and I have to say her journal lacked a bit, not from beautiful stories, or incidences, but from days to years, she wrote in it sporadically, and now having her gone, makes me crave for more information. I was a selfish teenager when she passed away and I didn't have the 'know' to ask her the hows and whats on life. That is why I have now committed myself to writing a little personal information in this blog, and hope that you'll bare with me why I do, so that my children might not only know of the fun things that happened in their childhood, but also some of the things their mom was thinking while all of these beautiful things passed along.




Every time after having a child, I go through a small period of time, where I can't get back into the swing of things. I don't mean the swing of dishes, running around etc, I mean the swing of habits I had before: favorite TV shows, music going while driving, talking loudly, and probably on my part too obnoxiously, etc. Maybe its post traumatic stress disorder, but mostly I think it's the fact that I am holding a little bit of heaven and I don't want to taint it with outside influences, I want to hold to that special little feeling for as long as possible. And so it is, I
probably turn into a boring little woman, staring constantly at my newborn, and thinking of how I am going to better myself for this little person in my life. I am grateful for this sacred time in my life, I feel closer to the Lord, closer to my family, and really use it as a time for retrospection.

This past week Thomas was able to stay home with me, it was fabulous. My best friend with me twenty four seven while we bonded with our newborn. You should see how he looks at that boy, how he already strives to protect him and to make him happy, how he whispers into his ear and already longingly wants Rainier to 'play' with him already. It melts my heart, and makes me eternally grateful to our Heavenly Father who has given this godly power to have children on this earth. Thomas and I ran a lot of errands together, went to lunch a lot, and quite frankly slept probably a bit too much, but it was great to do it together, it was great for me to be babied and feel my husband excited to be with both his son and me.





As I was thinking back on this pregnancy and how difficult it seemed to be for me, I'm not sure if it's because it's my fourth, or because I'm older, or probably more likely I'm more spoiled than ever (that's your fault Thomas) :). But it was hard on me. I found myself praying to Heavenly Father a lot during it, asking for strength, asking for understanding, and asking to be understood by others and I always felt my prayers being answered. Whether it was by Thomas' listening to me cry uncontrollably about ridiculous things and asking me if I needed an ice cream cone, or him cooking dinners and cleaning for me, I always felt that the Lord was close by and knew what I needed, and provided how ever small and petty it may be.

During my labor and delivery, I again felt sub par, you would think that this being my fourth I would feel confident and secure. This time was different than the others, I was in more pain, I was nauseous and it lasted quite a bit longer than the others. During this process I asked for pain medication since the anesthesiologist was in surgery, and they gave me some to ease the pain. I never do well on pain medication and let me just say I was in Dr. Seuss land for a while, until it wore off and then I was able to get an epidural. As the drug wore off and I was coming more with it, I immediately began feeling inadequate, wondering why tons of ladies can do this with no drugs at all, including the epidural, and I can't even come close to doing it drug free. It bothered me so much and as I pondered and prayed about it I was overwhelmed with the feeling of security and extreme love and the thought that I truly believe came from our Heavenly Father, "It's okay how you bring my children into this world, you are doing what I asked of you and all will be well." I want to bare my testimony, to my children, that our Heavenly Father does hear our prayers, that he knows us personally, and only wants the best for us.